awwww HOLLY!
We need to push ourselves out of it, you know. Trust me, I now exactly how you feel and it is ironic how some one can make you sooo happy and in love with life and so grateful and then so miserable!!
In my case, I wonder what if I was different and acted different but I can't erase the past and at this point just try to embrace the beauty of the experience. Like I told you before........I have no words to explain and show my appreciation if his existence.